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Foot in Mouth Disease
What not to say to your favorite PGA Tour pros. February, 2007 By David Feherty
Contributing Writer, GOLFONLINE Trying to make a living out
of golf has always been
a stressful occupation, and
these days, at least in terms
of money, there's more at stake.
Human nature ensures that an
athlete's wife gets better looking in
direct proportion to the amount of
money he makes, but it's tough to
stay married on Tour, and with
the depth of talent, harder
still to stay out there for any
length of time. It all makes
for a daytime soap opera in
which, with a slip of the
tongue, a rookie can get
himself written out of the plot.
So, for the start of the season,
with every good wish for our new
crop of Q-School grads, I have
prepared a short list of some of
the stupidest printable things I
heard (myself say) in my early
years on Tour. No need to thank
me, boys; idiocy is my profession.
1.) Unless you and at least one
sober witness saw a player and
his wife go into their hotel room
together last night and saw them
come out of the room together
the next morning, don't ask him how
the old ball-and-chain is doing. The
only exception to this is if you spot a
player coming out of his room in the
morning with some young strumpet
in a cowboy hat who you know has
been riding her way through the Tour
money list like Sherman through
Atlanta. Then (and preferably in her
presence), it's okay to ask about the
little woman. Most players think this
is hysterical.
Illustration By Victor Juhasz
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2. Yesterday, your playing partner
took more strokes than an eighthgrade
schoolboy with a Victoria's
Secret catalog, and today he needs to
shoot 59 to make the cut. He has
breezed through the front side in a
homicidal 41 and stopped by the
locker room to reserve a backwardfacing
middle aisle seat on the next
flight out of town.
This is not the
time to point out any fatal swing
flaws. Unless you feel like a visit to an
oral surgeon for maxifollogical repair
work, resist the urge to say "Hold it
there, pardner" at the top of his
swing. These new hybrid clubs can
inflict a whole new level of damage to
your face.
3. If you're not certain how much
money the guy you're playing with
has made this season, do not ask—especially if you're beating him like a
Whac-A-Mole. Some guys can be
touchy: "Oh, real funny, asshole. I've
hit more balls than Sir Elton John's
chin this year, and still missed 16 cuts
in a row ... and you want to know how
I'm doing? Next thing you'll tell me
you just bought a 110-foot Sunseeker
and would I like to go fishing, but
it'll have to be on a Tuesday 'cause
that's the only day you don't have a
corporate gig, right?"
4. 172nd on the money list:
"Where ya' goin' for dinner?"
23rd on the money list: "Well I
was thinking of just ordering
room service, but my agent's
here with a bunch of offers we
need to go over, so I thought
we might go out to this
pretentious French place I
heard about; 'sposed to be
really good but kind of
excostive, you know? How
'bout you?"
172nd: "Oh, I was thinking
about room service, too, but
my room's so small I put my
key in the lock last night and
broke a f---ing window. I let my
caddie use my courtesy car to go
get his bean snapped and he ran
outta' gas in Laredo, so I told the
transportation guy something was
wrong with it and they gave me
another one with a full tank. Works
every time. Anyway, I got a coupon
for two free drinks and sides at
Church's Chicken from the fat chick
in the tournament office, but I'd
need a police escort to go to the
neighborhood it's in, so I think I'll
probably see if I can get my arm far
enough up the snack machine in the
lobby to snag some Cheetos. If I get
lucky, maybe I'll get a pack of Life
Savers for dessert."
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